To the girl I used to be

You used to be so afraid of your voice being heard, so afraid of speaking out because you never thought the crowd would stop to listen to what you had to say. You used to keep quiet because you believed that your words were tainted by inadequacy. You used to be scared, of everything. But especially you used to be scared of having to lead, you would always rather take the back seat than the front and I guess I’m happy to see you leave.

No offence to you but you missed out on a lot because you were far too consumed with the “what if”s and “how will this make me look”s. I’m sorry that the girl I am now had to leave you behind, but it turns out you were a real burden. Having to carry the weight of your baggage day-in-day-out grew rather tiresome. And I’m not so sorry to say my arms are feeling a lot lighter nowadays.

Turns out it’s a lot easier, and a lot more fun being brave, it’s more exciting telling my story than keeping my mouth shut. Turns out there’s a lot of freedom in laying it all down. Turns out that God can use me and give me far more when I have nothing in my hands. And do you know what? It was unfair of you to make yourself unknown, it was unfair because it wasn’t humble – it was prideful. You didn’t want people to judge you so you kept your mouth shut, judging those who weren’t as scared to speak up. God is not a silent God, why should his church be?

To the girl I used to be: I don’t miss you.
To the girl I am now: let’s do this.

Shan xxx


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