To the girl I used to be

You used to be so afraid of your voice being heard, so afraid of speaking out because you never thought the crowd would stop to listen to what you had to say. You used to keep quiet because you believed that your words were tainted by inadequacy. You used to be scared, of everything. But especially you used to be scared of having to lead, you would always rather take the back seat than the front and I guess I’m happy to see you leave. Continue reading

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The Heart Trial

“You are exactly the way God wants you. And he doesn’t make mistakes” she said. And it’s not as if I haven’t heard the same thing a million times, but this time, I really heard it. Comparison is a deep heart trial, but its time to take ourselves out of the dock. Let me say this, if you don’t have the kind of friend who will be real enough to tell you when you’re wrong about yourself and that you’re exactly the way you’re supposed to be, even when you want them to join your pity party, find them. There’s someone out there waiting to tell you that your constant self-criticism has to stop. I’m sure of it. Someone waiting to be honest enough to tell you that you’ve always believed the lies and it’s time to refuse them. Because honey, you’ve always believed the lies. And it really needs to end. Continue reading

Wanted

I tend to write so many notes in my phone. Honestly, if you found my phone, you would know so much about who I am and where I am just by going through them. As I sat with a hot chocolate I added yet another note to my phone, and then I scrolled through my old ones and I came across this: “You don’t have to do anything to be wanted by me, Shan” and I suppose it’s in our nature to strive and to try and to work and to want. To want to be wanted. Continue reading

Loving Even When It Hurts

I have to admit, I’ve always found it easier to avoid love. Love is almost always painful. Firstly let me tell you that when I say love I do not mean the cheap notion that books and films often seem to suggest love is. I think we grow up reading about this fairy-tale love which is all about finding the perfect person and living happily ever after. But the Bible tells us love is completely different than that. Love is not just a feeling that we realize when we meet a ‘soul mate’. Love is an active thing, love is a verb.  And the bible says love is for our neighbours, but also our enemies. Continue reading

A Season of Goodbyes

Life is full of seasons, and changes, and growing. I suppose moving on from the past and laying down things that you always held so dear is a season in itself. And I guess this is the season I’m in, a season of goodbyes. a few months ago as I had just started working part time for my church I heard God say to me in the midst of a chaotic and uncertain moment, “I am taking you to a place of much greater dependency on me” and at the time I just thought that meant in an area of public speaking, I would no longer be able to depend on what I had to say but would have to fully rely on his words. I’m now aware it was a much deeper statement than that (I don’t know how that surprised me considering with God it always is). Continue reading